Why? -M

Why? I ask myself why I do the things I do. Why do I do stupid things? Why do I get bad grades? Why do I hurt the people I love? I know I do these things but why? I want to change. I want to stop hurting people. I want to be a better person. I just can’t find a way how. People tell me all the time that, “it’s okay” when I hurt them. It’s not okay. I know I hurt them. One thing I do is I consistently hurt my best friend. The one that is always there, always helpful, and always caring. Why do I hurt them? I wish I knew the answer to that. I constantly hurt the people I love and in doing that I hurt myself. A couple years ago I made the people I loved the most very upset with me and I took that very hard. I thought, because of my mistake, that no one cared and nobody loved me, so I thought I didn’t deserve happiness. I pushed all the people I cared about away and hurt myself physically. I didn’t want them to hate me or look at me differently for what I did so I thought the answer was to push them away. I did that until this one person showed me that people did care about me and that I wasn’t alone, even if I didn’t exactly deserve it. I had hit a rough patch and possibly the worst part as well. I thought that I didn’t deserve to be alive anymore. That one person that helped me, turned out to be my best friend. After they pretty much saved my life, you would think that I would have given them the world but instead I ended up hurting them. I tried to become a happier person after that but I just couldn’t. I had tried so hard, but it’s almost like I didn’t want to be. I just don’t understand why I couldn’t be happy. I have everything I want and more. I have a loving family, that is always there, and an amazing boyfriend, that has helped me through everything, so what’s wrong with me? I just want to be happy. Why is that so hard for me?

Why is it when someone hates me, I act like I don’t care? Maybe it’s to look like I don’t care, but the truth is I do. A lot. The reason people hate me is my fault but I choose to blame it on them. For what? To make me feel better? It doesn’t. Everyday I wear a fake smile to hide how I really feel and a fake personality so people like me more. Someone once told me to be myself. That people would like the real me more. I’m too afraid of what people would think. I’m too afraid to that the people who haven’t seen the real me won’t like it. I have a constant fear that I won’t be liked. What I don’t understand is why I need to be liked. I have people who have seen the real me and they like that me so why do I worry? I fear that I won’t fit in if I don’t have the newest clothes or the newest accessories. I dress the same as everyone else so that I can “fit in.” Sometimes I just don’t know why...